


Between Two Black Lungs

by moonaluna



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: John Green - Freeform, M/M, Shy Louis, Smoking, Underage Drinking, americanized, dyslexic harry, its based off of looking for alaska, larry stylinson - Freeform, lots of smoking, zayns in it for like two seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 14:02:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1690901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonaluna/pseuds/moonaluna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry smiled at me, “You know, I’m very indecisive and I always have a very hard time picking my favorite anythings, but I think that you have the potential to be my favorite friend.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Between Two Black Lungs

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off of looking for Alaska by john green  
> ITS IN FIRST PERSON I AM SORRY BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE OKAY

August 25th was a Tuesday.

I sat on my porch with a cold glass of lemonade next to my sister. My mother and father were inside the house arguing about the situation.

The situation.

I was leaving tomorrow morning. I had decided to go the private boarding school that my dad had gone to when he was a kid. My mom was mad because she thought that my dad had talked me into it, but in reality, it was my idea.

I wanted to leave this town so badly. My life wasn't bad, per se, just not great. I wanted a great life, I wanted to make something of myself, I want to start over.

I had a few friends, but none that I would ever bother seeing outside of school. I wasn't good at any sports. My immediate family was fine, but they were all I had. The rest of the family lived scattered across the country.

"Louis?" My sister asked from next to me.

I shifted to face her. "Yeah?"

"I don't want you to go." She said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

My sister and I had never gotten along before. She was four years younger and since she was the baby of the family, we had never really found anything in common, with her always getting what she wanted and me dealing with what I got.

I sighed. "That's what you think now. But when a few weeks go by, you'll be glad that I'm gone and you're the only child until I come back."

She shook her head slowly and looked back down at her own glass of lemonade.

My family and I currently lived in Florida. We had our whole lives, my mom had been born and raised and my dad moved out here to go to college. My dad grew up in Alabama, where the boarding school was that I was attending.

The fighting finally seized and my mother walked out onto the porch, “Louis, honey, are you sure that you don’t want to invite some of your friends over before you leave tomorrow?” She asked with a forced smile.

I shrugged. I only had about five “school friends”, which were some random kids that didn’t exactly fit in, but I only sat with them for social necessity. I would have rather been known as a nerd than a loner. I had tried to explain all of this to my mom before, but she had herself convinced that I was secretly the most popular kid in school and that I had plenty of really good friends.

“No, mom, I’m fine, really.” I said, not looking up at her.

She smoothed down her skirt and went back into the house. My sister was an expert small talker, so she started rattling away about all of her friends. I zoned out temporarily and looked down at my drink because 1. I didn’t know any of her friends and 2. I didn’t care.

I sighed and got up from my chair, retreating back into the house, leaving my sister alone on the porch. As I walked through the living room, I could feel both my mom and dad staring at the side of my head, like they were expecting me to burst into tears about how I didn’t want to go anymore or about how I didn’t have friends or something.

I stopped by the couch. “Can I help you?”

“Why is it you want to leave, Louis? Is it because of friends?” My mom asked.

I thought about it for a second, then, “No.”

“Why then, son?” My dad asked, sitting on the couch, “Because of me?”

“Just because you attended Meadow Hill, doesn’t mean I want to.” My dad and all three of my uncles and my only aunt on my dad’s side had attended Meadow Hill. My dad liked the idea of my following in his footsteps. Growing up, I constantly heard stories about all the legendary things my dad and his brothers did, like pranks. They were notorious for their pranks. They had all passed all of their classes with stellar remarks, but also raised hell for all the school and everyone inside of it.

I shook my head and stepped in front of my parents. “Growing up here, has only given me one chance to establish who I am and who I want to be. I kinda blew that part, obviously. I guess I just want to start over, by myself. Dad, you always said that going to Meadow Hill was a life changing experience, and mom, you said you wanted to be a doctor your whole life until you went on a trip to Washington DC, then you knew that you wanted to be a politician instead. I just want an experience like that, I want to do something great.”

Neither of them spoke. They knew as well as I did that I wasn’t to accomplish anything if I stayed here living my life the way that I was. I went and sat inbetween my mom and dad on the couch, and turned on the TV. My sister came in awhile later and we all sat on the couch together and watched the Discovery Channel. As far as last days with your family goes, it probably could have been a lot worse.

Florida was hot and humid, where your clothes stuck to your skin and your hair would dampen from sweat, then frizz up. Unfortunately, Florida did not prepare me for the heat of Alabama.

As I unloaded my boxes from my dads car that was parked in front of Meadow Hill, my thighs were burning and sweat was already soaking through the back of my shirt, the heat genuinely made me fear that a ferocious wild fire would break loose any moment.

My parents stood in front of my dorm room, room 35.

Once we had unloaded all my things from the car, we started to take them inside the dorm. The room thoroughly surprised me, in a negative way. There was a bunk bed in the far right corner, a small dresser with only four drawers, a door to a bathroom, and a small TV placed on top of an old wooden desk. I had imagined luxury, the way my dad had explained his years here, but all I got was an unair-conditioned room with old furniture.

I flopped down on the lower bunk and my mom started to open a box.

“Mom, it’s fine, I can unpack later.” I said as my dad stood up, ready to leave. I stood as well, walking towards the door, ready to see them out. I knew I couldn’t draw this on forever, it was tearing apart my mother the longer I let them stay.

“I’m going to miss you so much, sweetie.” She said, pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. My dad walked over as well and wrapped his long arms around the both of us. We were all sweaty and panting, but it was alright. My mom sniffled into my hair, and my dad wiped at his eyes. I knew that I should be crying, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel over emotional about the whole situation.

As we pulled apart, my dad said, “Don’t do anything stupid. No drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, and keep your grades up.”

I nodded. I figured it was ironic considering my dad had done all those things during his time at Meadow Hill, he was the badass on campus. I decided not to say anything about it, though.

“I love you,” my mom said, stroking my cheek.

“I love you both. I’ll call once a week, I promise.” We shared one last hug, then it was over.

I watched from the back window that was over the dresser as they backed out of the parking lot, down the road, then out of view. This was it, I was alone. This was the start of my new adventure.

I propped open the door in hopes of getting a few gusts of wind to air out the room a little, and started to unpack my bags. I could see out the door a patch of grass were a few kids were hugging their parents and wiping tears.

I managed to unpack my clothes and stuff them all into the two bottom drawers of the dresser, make my bed up, and tape a map of the world on the wall by the lower bunk for me to see when I lied in bed.

I went into the bathroom to take a look around. The shower was so small that you could probably fit a ten year old in there, barely.

I used the bathroom and when I came out, a muscular guy with short brown hair stood by the bunk bed. He was searching through a duffel bag, and his others were placed on the top bunk. He was well-built and he stunk of stale cigarette smoke.

“Hi.” I said.

The boy turned around and glared at me for a few seconds, “My name’s Liam. Look, do you think that you could help me find a box of cigarettes? I could have sworn I left them in this bag but I can’t find them anywhere. I have to find them before Harry gets here, or he’ll throw a hissy fit.”

I didn’t ask if it’s alright if I go through the boy’s-Liam’s bags, nor did I ask who Harry was. I just walked over to our bunk bed and start shuffling through Liam’s bags, in search of a box of cigarettes.

“I’m Louis. “ I said as I unzipped a pocket of a backpack, finding only a piece of unwrapped gum and a nickel.

Liam nodded from where he was sat on the floor, digging through a box. “Yeah, I know. “

And it’s like, whatever. Okay. I accepted the fact that my roommate knew who I was before I introduced myself, I accepted the fact that a boy named Harry was on his way, and I accepted the fact that I needed to find these damned cigarettes so Liam would stop throwing everything around our room.

A few minutes later, “Aha!” Liam triumphantly held up a box of cigarettes in a blue box. Liam sighed with relief and held it to his chest. “If I didn’t find these, I would have to pay Harry back in money, and trust me, I’m perpetually broke.”

I wasn’t sure if that was the correct use of the word ‘perpetually’, but I ignored it and threw the bag I was digging in back onto the top bunk with the rest of Liam’s stuff.

Liam plopped down on the floor and opened the pack, lighting one up with a lighter from his pocket and stuck it in his mouth. He offered one to me, but I shook my head.

“So, what’s your story?” Liam asked as he closed up the box.

“Oh, well. I don’t know. I’m from Florida.” I said, not knowing what else I should have said.

Liam nodded, then said, “Hey, since we’re friends now, could you do me a favor?”

“Sure.”

“Can you go the cafeteria and get Niall? He’ll want to say hi to Harry, and Harry will probably just walk in and then leave, so if Niall doesn’t get to say hi before classes, he will pout for days.” Liam said, he got up and blew smoke in my general direction.

“Sure, but I don’t know who Niall is.”

“You will. Just go.”

I was finally making friends, so I decided it was worth it. Even if Liam was pushing me around, it still felt nice that Liam had called us friends. Maybe I could be friends with Harry and Niall, too.

So, I grabbed the map of the school from the bed that my mom had insisted that I have, and exited Liam and my room. I examined the map and found my way to the cafeteria, and once I entered it was empty save for two people. A girl with red hair was sitting at a table and reading, while a boy with blonde hair was shoving his face into a pile of food. I figured the boy was Niall.

I slowly approached the table, “Hey, are you Niall?”

The boy smiled and nodded, gesturing to the seat in front of him. “Yeah! Are you Louis?”

I had no idea how all these people seemed to know who I was, but I went along with it and sat in front of Niall. “That’s me. Liam sent me to get you, he said that you’d want to say hi to Harry.”

Niall practically jumped out of his chair. “Has he arrived yet?”

I shook my head, Niall sat back down. “Well, once I’m done eating we can go and see if he’s gotten here yet.”

“So, who is Harry?” I finally asked. Both Liam and Niall talked about him like he was something great, so I was interested in learning who he was.

“Liam and him grew up neighbors and best friends, then Liam introduced us a few years ago.” Niall answered.

“Well, what’s so special about him? I mean, Liam was freaking out because he couldn’t find Harry’s cigarettes, and he made it sound like you needed to see Harry or you would spontaneously combust or something.”

Niall sniffed. “Harry’s just, I don’t know. I guess you’ll see. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but oh well. Like, he used to run away all the time. Mostly for attention. His dad died when he was younger and I guess that kind of messed him up. He’s just-something different, you know? He makes you feel like a different person. I can’t even explain it, you’ll understand when you meet him.” Niall polished off his plate, and he jumped up, grabbed my wrist and started to drag me towards the exit of the cafeteria, leaving his tray on the table.

We arrived at Liam and I’s room, and Liam was seated on the couch, still smoking a cigarette, and a boy was sitting on my bed, examining my map poster by my bed. The boy was talking theatrically, using his hands and shouting, but keep his eyes on the map.

“HARRY!” Niall screamed so impossibly loud, and ran full speed to my bed and tackled the boy, who was now Harry.

Harry had a mop of brown curls that hung almost perfectly around his face. He body was long and gangly. I barely observed him more than a second and I was already hypnotized by him. I could see what Niall meant.

“Louis, come sit.” Liam said from the couch, and I wearily stepped further inside and sit next to Liam on the couch.

“Harry, this is Louis, Louis, this is Harry.” Liam said, putting out his cigarette on the couch and leaving a hole.

Harry smiled widely as he finally pried Niall from the side of his body and shouted, “Louis! I have the world’s best story to tell you! You too, Niall!”

Harry stood up and I realized that he was probably one of the hottest human beings I had ever seen, wearing jeans that were far too tight for him and a red shirt with the sleeves cut off.

“So, it was like the first day of summer, right? And I’m at the girl’s house, her name is Autumn, funny, right? And like, I’m already dating Nick, and I’m gay, so I assumed she knew that we were only friends. But we’re sitting there and, like, watching some movies and having a good time and talking about college or something, and she puts her hand on my knee and I think oh wow this is friendly, we’ve been friends for so long and she’s being really friendly and I’m totally comfortable right now and in the middle of a sentence she swoops in like a hawk and squeezes my junk. Like, a total let’s-do-the-nasty kind of squeeze. No, it wasn’t even a squeeze, it was a honk. HONK. It’s a total firm honk for about three seconds and all I can think is alright, how do I pry this claw off of my dick before she a. rips it off or b. leaves permanent marks? and the second thing I thought was I cannot wait to tell Liam and Niall and Zayn.”

Niall started cracking up like it was the funniest story he had ever heard in his life. I thought it was funny, but I was too entranced by Harry’s way of speaking slowly, then quickly, sometimes in short sentence, then in long sentences. I was fixed on the way he moved his lips to form words.

Harry looked at Liam. “Why is your friend not laughing at my very funny story?”

Liam nudged my arm with his elbow. “Louis, Harry got his junk honked over summer and you’re not laughing about it. How are you going to fix that?”

I was surprised by the question and I sat there for a few moments, before I stuttered, “Oh, uh…”

Harry started laughing. “It’s no big deal, man. Give me a cigarette.”

Liam reached into the box of Marlboro Lights and tossed Harry four. Harry pocketed three, lit one, and stuck it in his mouth. He sucked a few times then blew the smoke out of circles.

“I still don’t get how you do that.” Niall said in awe from my bed.

“Hey. I need to tell Zayn about the squeeze-honk.” Harry said suddenly, then looked to me, “Have you seen Zayn?”

I had no idea whether or not I had seen Zayn, since I didn’t know who he was. So, I shook my head. “Alright, I’ll meet you guys at the lake in half hour. Can you stop by my room and get the stuff?”

Liam grunted out a ‘yes’ and then Harry was gone.

“He’s going to get caught if keeps walking around campus with a cigarette in his mouth.” Niall said.

“Don’t think he cares.” Liam said, and he got up from the couch and headed over the his drawer and yanked it open. “Let’s head to his room.”

Niall jumped up and stretched his arms above his head. Liam pulled out a key, then him and Niall made their way to the door. I didn’t know if Harry had exactly invited me or not, so I stayed put.

“Let’s go, Louis! You’re holding us up!” Liam yelled when they left the room.

I jumped up and raced after them, throwing the door closed behind me.

As we walked down passed many rooms, Liam said, “Harry has his own room. Last year, his roommate was caught having sex with a teacher right on her desk. It was pretty funny the way he ran butt-naked around campus away from the teacher.”

I laughed because I felt obligated to. I didn’t want to offend Liam by not laughing at his funny stories like I had done to Harry.

We arrived at room 14, and Liam shoved the key inside and swung the door open. Once the door was open, Liam and Niall started digging through Harry’s things, looking for something. I was stunned by the gigantic shelves lined up all around Harry’s room that were full with books. They were so full that some were shoved in awkward positions and many were on the floor, like Harry hadn’t decided what to do with them. Some were stacked by his head haphazardly, like if I were to pull one out, then the rest would come crumbling down. His bed was a single bed, and the comforter was plain white and the sheets were a soft green, the bed was unmade. At the top of his bed there were a mountain of pillows, maybe seven or eight, and each one had a different design. There were Christmas lights attached all over the wall and there were posters of various different bands hung up everywhere.

“Wow,” I said under my breath.

“Harry’s something, isn’t he?” Liam asked, smiling at me from where he was digging in one of Harry’s boxes.

Before I could answer, Niall shouted, “Found it!” Half of Niall’s body was shoved under Harry’s bed, and when he came out he held a bottle liquor.

“Damn it, Harry. He always hides it somewhere different and never bothers to tell us.” Liam said, rolling his eyes, then he grabbed a bag that was laying on the floor, and Niall shoved the bottle into the bag.

I wasn’t sure if these were the kind of people I should be hanging out with, but I figured it was better than nothing. I would just let them smoke and drink booze and I could be the designated rational friend who watched after everyone.

I walked next to Niall as we walked quickly towards the forest that was right next to the school. We passed up kids who stared at us like we were some kind of delinquents and we slipped into the trees.

“So, does Harry usually do this kind of stuff?” I asked.

I didn’t have to clarify what I meant, because immediately Niall burst out laughing. “Harry is notorious for doing dumb shit. Freshmen year he kept a cat in his dorm all year without being caught.”

“He once had sex with the most popular guy here in the middle of the quad at, like, three in the morning. I don’t know how that fucker never gets caught.” Liam said, kicking a stone in front of him, sending it flying a few feet.

“Do you remember when he covered Mr. Stepp’s office completely in silly string?” Niall asked Liam, then he looked to me and said, “Once, Harry bought over eighty things of silly string, actually he probably stole them, but, that’s a different story. Anyways, he covered the principal’s office entirely with silly string, it was legendary.”

The thought of being friends with Harry scared me, but also made me excited. I wanted Harry to like me, to deem me worthy of hanging out with him, but. I wasn’t like Harry, I didn’t do reckless things like that. I didn’t pull pranks or have tons of sex or do drugs or smuggle animals into unwanted places. But maybe I needed to start. Maybe that’s why I never had friends back home. Maybe I needed to be reckless and take chances and not care what teachers thought about me.

We reached a break in the trees to reveal a large barn that was obviously abandoned. Liam and Niall continued around the barn, and I followed. Once we went all the way around the barn, I saw a small lake in front of us. In the sand, there were four lounge chairs perched in a row.

“Crap, we need another chair.” Liam cursed.

I shook my head, “No, no. It’s fine, I’ll sit in the sand.”

Niall and Liam shrugged and walked over to their seats and plopped down. “Harry doesn’t usually sit anyways. When he’s drunk he likes to dance, so.” Liam said with a laugh.

I smiled at the thought of Harry dancing. I couldn’t really imagine him doing so, what with his long gangly limbs.

I sat in front of Liam and Niall and listened to the stories they told as they sat in their chairs. Neither had cracked open the bottle of liquor, explaining that Harry would have a fit if any of them began to drink without him there.

Around twenty minutes later, Harry came bursting through the trees, smiling widely and singing “walking in a winter wonder-laaaaand”.

“It’s not Christmas, Christ, Harry.” Niall said, laughing. He was always laughing.

Harry shrugged. “Christmas songs make me happy.”

Harry emerged through the trees and behind him a boy with dark hair follows. I assume the boy is Zayn, since they’ve all talked about him a few times. Harry and Zayn come bustling over and sit in the chairs in front of me.

“Zayn, this is Louis.” Harry said to Zayn, gesturing to me.

Zayn nodded and I gave a small wave.

Harry spotted the bottle of booze that was propped up in the sand and snatched it up with a doppy smile. He was always smiling, and I could probably have stared at his smile for years and never grow tired of it.

Harry cracked open the bottle with a twist, put the bottle to his lips, and took a long chug, wiped his lips when he was done, then passed it to Zayn.

The bottle is passed around their little circle once, then it made it’s way to me.

“Have you ever drunk before, Louis?” Harry asked. I shook my head.

Harry smiled and leaped off of his chair and sat on his hunches in front of me.

“Um, what are you doing?”

“I want to witness your first drink, up close.” Harry said. I could feel his breath on my face. It smelled of cigarettes, alcohol, and mint. Harry’s eyes looked even bigger this close, if that was even possible.

I took a deep breath and put the bottle to my lips. Don’t do this, what are you doing, you’re supposed to be the responsible one, remember what your dad said, what if you get caught, Louis Louis Louis my head was screaming at me, but I couldn’t think straight with Harry so close to me.

I wanted Harry to like me, I wanted him to be impressed with me and want to be friends. So, I pushed aside all my thought and brought the bottle to my lips and took a long swig. When I swallowed it felt as if my insides were going to burn up and my tongue felt numb and thick. It was disgusting and terrible, but I absolutely loved it.

“How is it?” Harry whispered.

I didn’t know why Harry was whispering, or why the other boys seemed to have gotten so quiet, but I nodded a little and whispered back, “Great.”

Harry laughed, took the bottle from me and sat back in his chair. That was that.

A few hours later, my mind was buzzing with happiness, the boys were tipsy, and Harry was up dancing to the music that he had playing from his phone that he had carelessly thrown in the sand. It was dark and I knew that I had a lot of unpacking to do and I needed to get my schedule in the main office and I needed to call my parents and let them know that I had done all of that, but I didn’t care.

I didn’t care.

I had only known Harry for a total of a few hours, but he made me feel different.

“Alright, we have reached a point in the evening where I am hungry.” Niall stated, standing up wobbly. Zayn stood as well, “Same.”

Liam was snoring loudly from his chair, so once Niall and Zayn left, it was just me and Harry. I was still seated in the sand, and Harry had rolled up his jeans and was walking around in the water, dancing and humming and searching for frogs.

I watched Harry for a few minutes, but the bugs were eating me alive. Mosquitoes were hovering over me in large numbers and flies were landing on my sweaty skin a few split seconds after I would swat them away. I got up to leave, but as I stood, Harry’s voice sounded from the lake, “Have you ever had sex before, Louis?”

I spun around and Harry came walking over, grabbed my shoulders, and sat me down with him. He was pressed so close that his thigh was firmly against mine and I could smell him. He smelled of sweat and sunshine and lake water.

The moonlight was making his eyes look impossibly large and green. He had the kind of eyes that predisposed you to supporting his every endeavor. He wasn’t just hot, but beautiful, too. The tank top he was wearing was too tight and I could see every outline of his body. His body made me appreciate puberty and all of it’s wonders. He said, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

I shrugged. “I’ve never had sex. I’m not too good with people.”

“Want to hear about my first time? It was absolute shit.” Harry laughed and I nodded. I honestly didn’t want to hear about him having sex with someone else, but I wanted Harry to keep talking. I loved the way he spoke in stories.

“So, like, I was fifteen and it was the summer before sophomore year. I had already gone pretty far with boys, but never totally all the way. Then my neighbor comes back from college, right, and he’s nineteen and so, so cute. So I talked to him as he unloaded all of his stuff and he invited me to go night swimming with him and of course I said yeah and I met him at the community pool that night. We broke in and he fucked me on the spinny slide that led into the pool.” Harry looked at me and flashed a side smile.

I figured the story didn’t have a point and couldn’t help but feel jealous, but before I could even think about what to say, he continued.

“Like, the slide was sticky and I had marks on my back forever and it fucking hurt really bad. But I was super happy that night because I felt really special. We had a summer fling but he left to college again and told me that he didn’t want to see me again. And like, I expected it but I really didn’t. The day after he left I went back to the pool and watched little kids slide down the slide that I had lost my virginity on.” Harry laughed at the end.

I laughed, too. “That sounds morbid.”

“I know. I’m going to hell.” Harry laughed again and looked down at his feet. “It’s just funny now because I remember how romantic I thought it all was. But it was disgusting because so many kids have probably peed on that slide, you know? After we did it, we didn’t even both cleaning it. So, like, kids were sliding down in the mess that we had made.”

“That’s so gross.” I giggled and watched Harry as he drew shapes in the sand. He wasn’t smiling anymore.

“Yeah, and like, it’s funny to think about how happy I was. He really made me feel special, but to him it was just another fuck and, like, it hurts to think about it now.”

I didn’t say anything.

It was silent for a little before Harry said, “Everyone thinks that I’m only dating my boyfriend because I like sex. Which is true, because I do like sex, like, a lot. But I just wanted someone who I can like, make out with at any given moment and watch movies and have pillow fights with. I don’t know, I sound stupid.”

“No, you don’t. It’s okay to want to feel loved like that.” I said.

Harry smiled at me, “You know, I’m very indecisive and I always have a very hard time picking my favorite anythings, but I think that you have the potential to be my favorite friend.”

I was determined to become Harry’s favorite friend. Maybe not his favorite boyfriend that would have sex with him on a children’s slide or in the middle of the quad, but maybe we could build up to that. First, I had to become his favorite friend.

 

Later that night I walked back to my dorm beside Harry. The bugs still buzzed around me just as they had back in Florida. Harry turned to me in the darkness and said, “When you’re walking at night, do you ever get creeped out and even though it’s silly and embarrassing you just want to run home?”

It seemed too secret and personal to admit to a virtual stranger, but he had told me about the first time he had sex, so I figured Harry was an open book, so I responded, “Yeah, totally.”

For a moment, he was quiet. The he grabbed my hand and whispered, “Run, run, run, run run run, let’s run run run run,” and took off, pulling me behind him.

 

The next few days I dedicated to figuring out my classes, unpacking the rest of my room, and making friends with these four boys.

A few days prior I couldn’t help but ask Liam about Harry when I was taping a poster to the wall. So what’s his story? “I don’t know, we grew up as neighbors. He ran away a lot as a kid and finally his mom got sick of it and sent him hear for ninth grade. He goes back during summer but usually stays with me or some boy he’s met. His boyfriend, Nick, goes to some prestigious college on a scholarship for, like, field hockey or some stupid shit like that.” So, he really likes Nick, then? “I guess so. He hasn’t cheated on Nick. That’s a first. Honestly, I think Harry just stays with him for the sex. Harry really likes sex.”

I decide not to tell him that no, Harry said he wasn’t with Nick only because of the sex. But I didn’t say anything.

After the first week of school, I hadn’t seen much of Harry. We only had two classes together and outside of classes Harry always seemed to be busy. Not busy with actual stuff, but he was either locked in his room or out driving somewhere. But when Saturday finally came, I woke up to find a sticky note stuck on my forehead.

Come to my room, let’s chat about stuff. Bring cigarettes. –Harry

I checked the clock beside me and it was five oh three in the morning. I sighed and rolled out of bed. Liam was snoring loudly above me, so I rummaged through his drawer and found his pack of cigarettes and shoved it in the pocket of my gym shorts.

When I got to Harry’s room, I knocked a few times and no one answered, so I tried the handle. It was unlocked so I stepped into his room. It was just the saw as last time, except all the boxes were unpacked, and there were more books scattered across the floor. I looked around the room and didn’t see Harry, then I heard a cough from the bathroom.

I knocked on the bathroom door. “Harry?”

“Oh, come in.”

When I opened the door, I spotted Harry sitting down in the bathtub. When we made eye contact, he smiled and gestured to the spot in front of him. So, I climbed into the tub in front of him and our feet were tangled together.

Harry was seated with a book in his lap and cigarette in his mouth.

“Have you read all the books in your room?” I asked.

Harry laughed. “God, no. I’ve only read around a third.”

“Oh. Well, why do you have so many?”

Harry took the cigarette from his mouth and blew out smoke that lingered in the small bathroom. “I have dyslexia, so, like, all my life people have told me that I’m stupid and that I’m reading three grades levels below where I should be. So, I read a lot to, I don’t know, prove all those shitheads wrong.”

I knew I shouldn’t press and ask questions that pry into Harry’s life, but I couldn’t help myself. “What’s it like being dyslexic?”

Harry shrugged. “I just mix up letters a lot. Like, the letters that look alike. Like m and n, or b and d. Also, sometimes I can’t remember how to spell simple words or I write the wrong letter down because it looks right in my head but it’s actually not right. This is why I like math.”

I laughed.

Harry smashed his cigarette to the tile and put it out, then tossed it up into the sink. He closed his book, reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of Starbursts.

“Oh, that reminds me.” I reached into my pocket and took out the cigarettes that were slightly crushed, “I brought some cigarettes like you asked.”

“Thanks.” He smiled. “You can have one if you want.”

I shook my head. I watched as he took out the first Starburst, an orange one, and slowly and carefully pulled off the wrapper without ripping it. Once he got the wrapper off, he carefully lied it on the floor of the tub next to his feet.

He popped the Starburst into his mouth and offered the packet to me.

I happily grabbed two, a light pink and a yellow.

“Can I have the wrappers when you take them off?” Harry asked, starting to pull the wrapper off of another.

“Why?”

“When I was younger, my dad would always come home from work with a packet of Starbursts for us to share because they were my favorite candy. We decided to keep the wrappers and try and collect one million. When he died, I kind of went crazy and ripped up all the ones we had collected and threw them all out. I’ve been trying to save up again since to, like, I don’t know, make him proud or something.”

I noticed that Harry said ‘I don’t know’ a lot, which stroke me as odd, since Harry seemed sure about everything. I was surprised that Harry was sharing so much with me, but that’s what friends do. I wasn’t used to having friends, so it was a nice change.

“Do you know how many you have?” I asked.

Without a hint of hesitation, Harry responded, “With these two that I just put down, I should have four hundred thousand, nine hundred forty eight and ninety seven wrappers.”

I whistled under my breath. “Damn, that’s a lot.”

Harry nodded. “Would you want to help me? I usually don’t take other people’s wrappers, because this is a thing for my dad and I, but I would be willing to let you help me.”

“No, I don’t want to intrude or anything…”

“It’s not intruding if I ask you.”

He had a point. I unfolded the yellow wrapper carefully and placed it in the pile, then stuck the naked Starburst into my mouth.

“Why did you want to talk to me this morning?” I asked quietly.

Harry shrugged. “I like you.”

I didn’t know if that meant if he like liked me, or if he meant as friends, but I didn’t acknowledge it and said, “I like you, too, for the record.”

A few seconds of silence, and Harry started to hum quietly. So I sat in a bathtub in a smoke-filled bathroom, eating Starbursts, and listening to Harry Styles hum happily.

I wished I had met Harry sooner, because if I spent everyday for the rest of my life doing this, then I would be perfectly happy.

 

 

Maintaining my classes had been much easier than I originally thought, so that gave me more time to hang out with Liam, Niall, Zayn, and Harry. We met up at the barn after classes, and Liam and I usually rummaged through Harry’s room for alcohol beforehand, and Harry always showed up late with McDonalds, cigarettes, Starbursts, and Mountain Dew. Which is how I began to identify him as. The boy who liked McDonalds, cigarettes, Starbursts, and Mountain Dew.

Harry was constantly flirting with me and sitting too close, but he never made a move, so I didn’t either. Plus, he had a boyfriend whom he claimed that he loved, and I didn’t want to go and screw that up. So I stayed quiet and let Harry lean on me more than he probably needed to when he got drunk.

On one particular day, I exited my English class to see Harry sitting in the middle of quad, cross-legged, and searching through the class. I had a few minutes before my last class of the day, calculus, and I decided that anything was better than that, so I strode through the quad and over to Harry.

“What are you doing?” I asked once I was standing in front of him.

Harry looked up and smiled at me, flashing his dimples. “Looking for four-leafed clovers. Want to help?”

“I would love to, but I have to get to class.”

Harry pouted, “C’mon, please? Let’s have an adventure! It’ll be fun!”

And when Harry was looking at me like that, I couldn’t bring myself to say no, even if it meant skipping a class I knew that I couldn’t exactly afford to skip. So, I took off my backpack and placed it on the ground and sat in front of Harry.

We searched in silence for a few minutes, and I found that finding four-leafed clovers were near impossible, so I gave up looking. I admired Harry while he looked. His long, dirty fingers were sifting through the grass and his eyes were narrowed pointedly on the grass.

For a boy who liked to have lots of sex and get drunk and smoke, I couldn’t help but fall in love with the four-leafed clover finding-starburst eating-mountain dew drinking-dyslexic Harry. It was a better version of him.

Harry finally plucked a clover from the grass. “Found one!” He smiled like he had just found buried treasure. Then, he handed it to me. “For you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah.”

So, I took the four-leafed clover and examined it for second. The fourth leaf was small, but it was still there. I put it into my binder, and when I looked up, Harry stood up and held his hand out to me. “Let’s go!”

I grabbed his outstretched hand and he pulled me up, and I followed him as he walked out of the quad. We reached the parking lot and approached an old, beat-up, yellow Volvo.

“Her name is Bernice, and I apologize, she’s pretty old.” Harry said as he climb into the front seat.

I got into the passenger seat and I was immediately overwhelmed with the smell. It smelled strongly or cigarette smoke and McDonalds and like leather that he been baking in the sun for too long. It smelled like Harry.

“I have some Mountain Dew in the back.”

I reached over in the back and found about eighteen cans of Mountain Dew on the floor. I grabbed one for me and one for Harry.

“Thanks,” Harry said as I handed him a can. “Why aren’t you talking?”

I shrugged, but caught myself, “I guess that listening quietly is my usual social strategy.”

“I like it when you talk.” I felt the intensity of his eyes and nervously fiddled with my can of soda.

Suddenly, Harry was reaching his slender torso over me and opening the dashboard. All I could focus on was his side that was pressed against my legs. Every part of Harry radiated intense heat and my legs felt like they were burning.

Harry took out a box of cigarettes and pulled one out. “There’s two left. You want one?”

I shook my head.

Harry shrugged, took a lighter out from his pocket, lit his cigarette, and stuck it in his mouth. “Let’s go take Bernice on an adventure.”

So, we took off. I wasn’t sure where we were going, but as long as Harry was driving, I felt like we could go anywhere.

 

We ended up driving to a gas station, buying about fourteen things of Starbursts, and sat in Harry’s car to study for our calculus test the next week.

Harry was surprisingly a calculus genius, and he sat next to me and taught me while he smoked and ate his treasured candy. He talked for almost a half hour straight and I scribbled in my notebook as fast as I could because like any good teacher, Harry didn’t like to be interrupted while he was teaching.

When Harry has smoked two cigarettes, we finished up studying.

“Why do you smoke so much? Cigarettes aren’t good for your health.” I said as I shoved my notebook into my backpack.

Harry swallowed a Starburst, smiled, and said, “I may die young, but at least I’ll die smart.”

 

 

A few days later, I was at the pay phone that was placed in the corner of the quad and spoke to my parents.

“Have you been making friends, sweetie?” My mom asked.

“Yeah, I made a few.” I replied, chipping off some of the paint on the pay phone with my fingernail.

“Are they pressuring you to do things? Are they making good choices?”

I laughed silently as I thought of Harry and Liam getting drunk and constantly smoking cigarettes. “Yeah, mom.”

As my mom responded, I heard a bang coming from a dorm down the hallway. It was coming from the direction of Harry’s room. Two more bangs, then yelling. It was definitely Harry.

I rushed my mom into finishing up our conversation, then I ran to Harry’s room. He always kept the door unlocked, so I swung open the door.

Harry was seated on the ground, phone pressed to his ear, and half of the books had been torn from his shelves.

“Harry?” I asked quietly.

Harry looked up at me, and I noticed that there were tears running down his face. It was tragedy, really, he was too perfect to cry. Someone like Harry should never cry.

Harry threw his phone onto the carpeted floor, “He won’t fucking answer the phone.”

“Who?”

Harry sniffed. “Nick. He called me and dumped me and then hung up. He said a bunch of dumb shit and then hung up.”

“Oh,” I hesitantly walked across the room and sat on the floor next to Harry. “What did he say?”

“He said that I was a decent fuck but he just didn’t feel anything for me anymore.” Harry laughed humorlessly. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.

Harry wiped his cheeks and smiled at me. He was always smiling, even if he was sad. “I’m sorry.” He said.

“You don’t have to be sorry.” I said. “Why did you throw your books all over?”

Harry shrugged. “What’s the point? I’m so fucking dyslexic that I can barely read them, even when I do it takes me so long. I’m never going to be able to finish all of them.”

“Maybe I can help you? Like the Starburst wrappers. I can read some of your books then tell you what they’re about, that way they’ll all be read faster.” I suggested, picking up some of the books and piling them up.

Harry didn’t answer me. He sighed and rubbed his face a few more times. “I’m like a yellow Starburst.”

“What?”

Harry smiled again. “The yellow Starbursts taste like shit, but everyone eats them anyways. I’m like a yellow Starburst, nobody likes me but they use me anyways. I always cheat on people because I’m so afraid that they’re going to leave me. But I didn’t cheat on Nick, I thought he was the one. But, fuck, I’m just a stupid yellow Starburst.”

I had never minded the yellow Starbursts, so I said, “I like the yellow ones.”

Harry looked at me with his wide, watery eyes.

I had never wanted to kiss someone so badly in my entire life. I didn’t just want to have sex with him or whatever, I genuinely wanted to kiss him and lay with him and just be with him. I never wanted to see him so sad and I wanted him to know that some people actually like the yellow Starbursts.

So, I kissed him. And he kissed back.

Our lips felt amazing together, even if Harry tasted like tears and cigarette smoke, it was perfect. I had only ever been kissed one other time, by a girl in the fourth grade, but that didn’t count for me.

Harry placed his hand on my hip while I embedded my fingers through his thick hair.

When we finally pulled apart, we kept out faces close.

“Thank you.” Harry whispered, as he glanced from my eyes to my lips, then back to my eyes.

“Everybody wants to be loved, and that’s okay.” I answered.

Harry rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. I gathered him up better in my arms and held him tightly.

I barely knew Harry, but I did know that he liked Mountain Dew, Starbursts, McDonalds, cigarettes, he was a math genius, he was dyslexic, and he just wanted to be loved. All I could see was the Harry who had grabbed my hand and whispered “run run run run” in the pale moonlight because he was scared, or when we sat in Harry’s bathtub and he told me about his past, or sitting in the quad searching for four-leafed clovers then driving to a gas station so he could teach me calculus while he smoked.

I had come to Alabama in hopes of changing my life. The boy in my arms might just do the trick.

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave comments and kudos ♥


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